This one is for Sawyer..

Sorry for not being on point lately with my blog posts. Tomorrow will be both a (late) try-it Tuesday...we will just make it try-it Thursday almost Friday post...ha. This post is just letting you know why I was so behind at the beginning of this month. 

April is here and at the beginning of this month for the past...now ...4 years it has been pretty shitty. I had to grow up pretty fast emotionally and mentally. 

--->Before going further I don't want this to be viewed as a cry for sympathy, but more of me just telling you a little bit so you can all get to know me more.

So let's all breath in and breath out.....and read along..

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My brother Sawyer, the youngest of my four brothers....yes that is right I am the youngest of four crazy but loveable brothers. Growing up with them wasn't easy but Griffin, Hunter and Adam were a lot older when I was a baby but sawyer was the youngest, which made us four years apart from one another.

He was the one who was responsible for all the bruises I had when I was younger and I am sure I have a couple dents in my head too. I am sure you are like wait....what DENTS...well that would be because our rooms were directly across from one another growing up. Therefore when we would be going to bed and there were times I would "tattle tale" on him about 5 minutes ago when he hit me or just talking and he didn't want to hear me so he would then....throw stuff. Keep in mind this was in more of the younger stages from like well maybe 1 year old till about 14 years old. I am not sure if he ever liked me haha. I do have evidence of him holding me as a baby, but usually he had such a mischievous face when around me. His so called "hugs" I see in pictures with me is actually him choke/hugging me. When he was suppose to be going to sleep/waiting till the last minute to do homework and knew he couldn't come into my room and physically hit me he would reach on his desk (which was located right beside his bed) and would throw ANYTHING he had at me across the hall. Let me just give you a couple of examples.....hmm I think I recall pennies(any kind of change for that matter), pencils, erasers, hangers that you use for clothes.....basically anything that had enough weight to travel in the air. The worst thing was that he NEVER missed me!! No matter if I would duck or see it coming at me...he never failed to NAIL me in the head...haha.

Then there was this one thing he used to call me...oh not my name..I don't even think he knew my actual name. He would refer to me as "Gay." No my brother was not a homophobe...but I suppose one wouldn't/shouldn't throw that word around of course. I think it was just a thing that was easy to say instead of my actual name that is only one more letter long. I would like to think he meant it in the actual definition of Gay. 

Gay: The term was originally used to refer to feelings of being "carefree", "happy", or "bright and showy".

If that was the case then I totally accept it because I was/am a pretty happy and loving person. Somehow I don't think he meant it that way....but we will just go with that for now. Anyways..one thing I will never forget was when this generally started. I think it was right around when I was 13 or so. It would be late at night because I have always been a night owl..he would be in his room and yell my name. "Hey gay, go get me some tea..." and I am like... "uhhh...no" In the back of my head I knew I would probably pay for that "no" later so I just went and got him a tea or some food. I would like to say this was where the so called (bonding) a brother and sister have was -->FINALLY<-- starting between us. Yes definitely a totally different bonding then others may have....but I will never forget it. Eventually I got used to it and didn't really care because I was thinking one day he WILL do something for me if I really need him too.

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....and of course that wasn't the case..let's be real..if he picked me up from school he was told to do so from mom. haha

Eventually I got a little older and we became a lot closer. At this point the "gay" thing was still in play but instead I would be up late doing my hair. No I was not a primadonna more just I had a process you could say. My mirror was on the floor which would be behind the door when you open it. So around 1:30 or later in the morning I would be in "my hair process" and sawyer would be getting home and he would open my door a little and peer in and say "hey gay, what you doing?" and I would be like "just my hair....where are you getting in from?" We would talk a little then he would go to his room. Sometimes I would go in and we would talk a little and watch TV or he would be telling me about something he did that day with his truck. I want to let you all know my brother was far from stupid. He would probably be considered "gifted" with how smart he was with anything he set his mind to. I have never seen someone try and figure out why things were put together the way they were by completely taking them apart. He knew it was a challenge and he dominated it every time. Whether it was his little remote control cars when he was little or as he got older it was his dirt bikes and his trucks. He never stopped until it was fixed or fixed enough for him to ride it a little..ha. Basically we were just getting to that point where we could both talk to each other and he wouldn't hit me or there wasn't that stereotypical "sibling hatred." We were cool, we had those talks that brothers and sisters have. One night he was showing me his bow that he got and how you pull it back..I tried and of course half-way succeeded. He randomly said to me "Hey, promise you won't do or try anything like smoking or drinking without doing it with me first.." and I was half stunned and kind of completely happy at the same time. I then responded with "I promise I won't"...then being the annoying sister I am I made him pinky promise. That was a moment where the whole "family is everything" came into play. I knew if I ever needed my brothers to beat a guy that hurt me up I could just snap my fingers and they would be on it. They never pushed it though...I think sawyer was the only one who may have threatened guys without me knowing....(if people who know me and him are reading this and know of a time..DO TELL!) I never thought that my brother really cared about me to a point where he brought me up to other people. (Again if there are any stories I am not aware of...I would love to hear them.) So at this point we are finally bonding you could say and he is being that "protective brother" that sisters want/don't want. I will admit that protecting can go to far with some brothers, but for some reason I loved hearing he had my back. Finally after all these bruises from him kicking me and all these dents he put in my head from pennies and pencils (which by the way is probably the reason I don't test that well) it was finally worth it. He was being that brother/soon to be friend I would have to go to if I needed him.

A little time passes and it was almost like everything was OK in the family...meaning we were all kind of happy..doing good. You know that feeling where everything just seems alright for the moment...but wait that's not a realistic feeling in this lifetime. SOMETHING has to go wrong...whether it is small or a big ordeal something bad or unnecessary had to happen for it to be...well..LIFE. And then the unspeakable and unimaginable happened..my brother was gone..just like that.

How can someone so young already be so talented and already be taken away. As if he has already fulfilled everything he was supposed to do in life...just taken.

I ask that question everyday..

On April 2nd, 2009 my brother was in an ATV accident...it had rained earlier so roads were slick that night and he was taking someone home. On his way back..2 miles from our house..it just happened. Maybe he didn't realize the curve was a little sharper then he thought...but he KNOWS how to use/work a 4-wheeler. He knew what ours couldn't do so he wouldn't force it. He is SMART when it comes to that stuff. My brother was a goofy/funny/always smiling..oh that never failed..ALWAYS smiling kind of guy but when something was real like dealing with vehicles he was smart with them.

This whole situation kind of pisses me off..obviously I'm not happy about my brother dieing..I mean he was 19 who would be half-way or at all ok with that? He has a whole life to live..or so I thought. The worst part is I am 19 about to be 20 and I will soon be outliving my older brother. What is up with that? I am literally mind boggled at the fact that I am living longer then him and the fact that it has already been 4 years. It feels like yesterday..no one knows that unless you have been through it but it really feels like one day I am going to be at home and he is going to come in and peer into my room and say "Hey gay, what are you doing?" No I am not in denial, I am simply probably still in shock really. Also sawyer was ALWAYS out doing stuff so I wasn't used to him being home all the time. That is why it kind of feels like he is on a very long vacation...but I also know he isn't coming back and never will.

I have never been so inspired by someone or look up to them like I constantly did with him. I never can recall a time where he wasn't constantly smiling or helping someone or making them laugh. I'd like to say that is the thing we had in common. I love to see people happy and make them happy no matter how crappy my day may be going. We both smile A LOT. There is one thing I have learned is to live everyday like it's your last. Yes I am in NYC "living a dream life" no I am simply LIVING life. I am constantly emailing people to take their pictures and for them to be apart of my blog...doing what I love and what I know best, and that is talking to everyone like I have known them for years and photographing them like that's the first and final time I will be able to do so.

I am sure I should be crying a lot more and letting those feelings out constantly so that one day that won't all be added up and I just BLOW UP. To be honest my way of "dealing" with this loosing a brother thing it's how I celebrate him and honor him. I kind of did that with tattoos and through my senior pictures and how I am always smiling. He will forever be my brother and apart of me. His name was my first tattoo and the smile was the second. When I am having a bad day I know I can always look at my wrist and find myself laughing...firstly because there is a smile on my wrist his smile to be exact and secondly how could that not bring joy to one's heart.

I am sorry for this some-what depressing post....LONG too...also sorry about that. I just want you all to know what is constantly making me strive to challenge myself and to always be good to everyone I meet. You never know what they may do for you someday or when you will see them again. I will never give someone a reason to dislike me...no I don't mean I am fake..I am and always have been a humble, loving person. I guess you could add "strong" to the list but I still don't see that. I have just decided to live my life and not let the little things touch me. "Pick your Battles" that is what my favorite English teacher told me and I will never forget it. No sense in dwelling over that boy that didn't text you back or maybe how someone cut you off while driving down the road. Is it really worth all the rage and anger? I mean there are far worse things that could happen right?

Anyways..take this as you will..man did that feel good to let out..maybe I should write a book or something..haha just kidding.

An uplifting post will be up tomorrow I PROMISE! ha

Much love,

Emma Jane

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